Thoughts entwine and become fused as a sense of unease, uncertainty and, above all, liberation take over. The looming graduation has me reminiscing and questioning exactly what it is I have learned over the last 4 years. The answer to this question unfolds in the succeeding paragraphs and concludes with a lesson which is far more valuable than the reports, exams and resulting grades. I hope in reading this you will consider to take lessons from your actions and never regret having a change of heart or opinion for their standpoints ultimately shape who you are.
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Choosing an elective module in Applied Consumer Psychology as part of my final year of study was hugely fascinating to me. As it turns out, every action we ever partake in aids the internal search for our 'Ideal Self'. This unattainable and exotic concept is wonderfully separate and individual within each person, allowing us to imagine a desired notion of how we 'should' be. Whether you imagine yourself surrounded by family and friends, possessing a thriving career or, even more commonly, picturing yourself stepping foot inside a walk-in-wardrobe mirroring the likes of Carrie Bradshaw's, this 'ideal' view of your life as an endpoint is a sleek mistress. Will you ever grasp all of your dreams and tick everything off your list? No, of course not. The good news, however, is that there is a reason why you will never meet all of your current wishes. You CHANGE.
This skewed concept of perfection as an end point is entirely puzzling. A theory where the goal is to work your fingers to the bone shaping and bending yourself to fit the desired mould and achieve your dreams, to then simply plateau for the rest of your days. At what point are you supposed to reach the top of the mountain and plant that flag of attainment upon all of your achievements? You simply can't. It's in our nature to never be wholly satisfied and we will continue to create a stream of goals for the rest of our days. The confusing and contradictory nature of achieving the 'ideal self' has found me re-treaded my own outdated ideals in order to evaluate not how they have become invalid in my current life, but how they have constructed my new version of the 'ideal self'.
The further back I claw, the more we witness embarrassing territory - I wanted to win the 'best dressed' award in the school yearbook, I wanted a vintage prom dress, I wanted blonde hair. None of which I can say I have under my belt. But embarrassment and cringe-worthy desires taught me a lesson. Not being voted best-dressed doesn't mean that fashion wasn't important to me, Not finding a vintage dress that fit didn't stop me finding a Topshop dress which still hangs with pride of place in my wardrobe, and last but not least; I have red hair, blonde ain't hap'nin.
A few years later and wishful thinking had taken hostage my mind, pure fantasies still my closest glance to the haven that is the 'ideal self'. I saw a life grounded within in the luxurious glass walls of a Manhattan apartment overlooking the city, complete with house husband, where my life was embellished by events, elitism and power. Now that my (political) idealism has taken a swerve for the left, I am not ashamed of these desires. Had I not conjured a desire for a house husband how would I have reached the realisation that I am independent and fortunate enough to live in a society where this is possible in reference to equality, not a sick turn of the tables? Had I not travelled, I would not have realised that being superior in wealth and status is not as glamorous as it's painted on the likes of Gossip Girl, Made in Chelsea and countless others, nor does it give you simple vitality for life. I wouldn't have realised that I want to work, live and experience moments which open my mind to learn from people of all sexes, races and religions or even realised my passion and personal investment for equality, particularly provoking an active interest in feminism.
Now? I graduate in a little under 2 months and there in front of me lies blank space. No task-lists or unrealistic goals which I must stretch myself to reach, where self-punishment is the only outcome of sub-standards. The canvas in-front of me is one which holds the opportunity to beautify and elaborate. Not shackled by the time frames of university terms. Not shackled by the pressure to get an internship. Not shackled by the undying pressure to be hyper-organised in a regimented world. It goes without saying that studying a subject which I was highly passionate about and working in the industry was invaluable to my growth both academically and personally, but this isn't to say that I don't see graduation day as a light at the end of a very restrictive tunnel.
With zero intentions of seeming patronising, if I can lend anybody a little advice that certainly unburdened myself of pressure which only inhibited me, in this lifetime it is near impossible to live in your own fabrication of the 'ideal' life or self. Being so focused on what lies 10 years ahead without experiencing now is just not logical. Idealising your future life is an important part of motivating our determination to have a full and happy life, but the moment you pause your current existence to make way for idle day-dreaming is when you lose valuable time.
My 'ideal self'? It has changed many times throughout my mere 4 years an an adult, but for the first time letting go of the should-be's and ought-to's to make way for a little current adventure, excitement and savouring of experience is the smartest thing I have ever done, and without even noticing, I am finally the closest I have ever been to who I want to be.
Credit to Madeleine Darby for helping with the 'finishing touches'. Your suggestions were invaluable to the piece girl. x
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